God, Me, You, Us, Everyone Else

You believe in rumours, don’t you? What a stupid question! Everyone does. Period. The very essence of conversation is based on doubts. God is a rumour too. I won’t be exaggerating if I stated that God is the longest-running rumour of all time. This is so because no other creature believes in scaremongering. For the record, I’m not against God. In fact, we are close chums the way Calvin and Hobbes are. He speaks to me in Sanskrit with a strong Arabic accent. At least in my imagination.

You see, being an atheist can be tiresome sometimes as there is no God to blame for your f-ed up life. And you don’t want to beg to a Superior Power up there lost deep in heaven. To be brutally honest, praying never worked for me and I'm certain it didn't work for God either. On the sly, I do request Him to kindly grant me the strength to overcome the urge to pray. He hasn’t responded to my ironic appeal YET. Amusingly, I keep telling Amma that God is not a Mangalorean but she insists on praying in Tulu.

Like I said, I’ve got no issue with God. I never make fun of Him. I have respect for those who are considerate enough not to exist. I may be sounding allergic to Him but it’s nothing compared to what I feel for religion. The fact remains: There's nothing religious about being God. It's always religion that keeps yapping about God. The Dude never uttered a word about religion. He acknowledges my indifference for religion and he's fine with it. Wait a minute, perhaps, what we truly need is a God-proof religion. That might as well solve our problems. Once and for all.

To me, God is everywhere. Being an Indian, Sachin is God, too. On a lighter side, whenever I try to picture God, Al Pacino pops up in my head. Maybe he is God. Or maybe I need less cinema and more sleep. Whatever. Even right now, as I’m typing what you’re trying to make sense, this sleeky lizard on the wall is acting as if it's God. Well, it might be. 

Who knows?

God is a crazy creature. And the most intriguing part is He is very polite and very suave. Like Marlon Brando in Godfather. Someone who knows how to get things done. In spite of such charm, He doesn’t like to be praised. Have you ever seen ANY other creature singing hymns or reciting odes? Don’t lie. It is simply a retarded way of wasting endangered time. In any case, how can our mortal applause affect someone as mighty as Him? Anyway, even if I were God, I wouldn't have easily succumbed to flattery in the name of religion.

God was created by theists. You know them. You could be one of ‘em. The ones who believe it was God, not alarm clock, that woke them up this morning. Majority of humans just can’t do without His omnipresence. Despite not being on social networking sites, God still remains the world's most famous imaginary friend. For the time being, let’s assume God created humankind and humankind returned the favour by creating God. Comforting, yeah.

We love stories. And stories are nothing less than an extended version of rumours which unfortunately stood the test of time. We read stuff where God doesn’t give a shit about science and goes on to create a wonderful world in 6 days flat. And on the 7th day, He sits down to figure out what drove him on the 1st day to such madness. I haven’t even visited the Garden of Eden but am damn sure no flower out there can match God's fart in terms of sweetness. No, seriously. This is somehow the vague logic behind religions created by diehard fans of God.

Coming back to atheism (read: ignorance with benefits), I often challenge my overtly religious friends to show me their God and I’ll show my faith in return. No one wins the debate. To be fair, God is a lot like Osama. No one sees or meets him but every once in a while, he lets out signs that he do exist. God forbid, I become a believer like the rest of us.

On a second thought, I shouldn’t have written this verbose garbage today. After all, it’s time we acknowledged the fact that God doesn't like to be invoked on weekends.