Critically devotional

The correct reply to “Do you believe in God?” has to be “I believe in stories with nice endings.” On a personal front, i believe in songs where God is addressed directly. No priest, thank you. The words expressed are quite bold. Furthermore, they sound like a chat you weren’t supposed to eavesdrop on. 

• Like Tina Sani’s Mori Araj Suno where she threatens God with dire consequences if he doesn’t heed her request: she’ll go and find another God to worship! You don’t take threats in Punjabi lightly. 
• The passion is similar but the tone is mellowed down when MS Subbulaxmi sings Kurai Ondrum Illai with sentiments that border on defeatism as well as gratitude. She appears to be informing her Creator that she has no more grief and she’s finally in a place where she isn’t afraid of dealing with sorrow. Simply put, she doesn’t care anymore. Of course, this is one interpretation as there can be hundreds to poetry. 
• There’s a Marathi song where Ganaraya (Lord Ganesha) is pleasantly chided for his shyness. It’s almost like the devotee is making fun of his God for being too coy to appear in front of him. Sarcasm at its divine best! 
• A Kannada song, Sada Enna Hrudayadalli, pleads to God to make the singer’s heart his permanent abode. This song is my ma’s favourite and the innocence in its lyrics makes you want to accept the sweet marriage between religion and drama. 
• When Lata Mangeshkar croons Ae Maalik Tere Bande Hum, she is basically building a case against God for his apparent injustice. Similarly, Itni Shakti Humein Dena Daata appeals to human strength of character which for some reason depends on God’s belief in us. 
• There are very few singers around with a hotline to God the way Abida Parveen does. And her criticism of God in “Tune kya kya na banaya, koi kya kya na bana... ab mujhe hosh ki duniya mein tamasha na bana” is as subtle as it can musically get. 

A laughing stock

What's common to Buddha, Mahavira, Jesus, Paigambar, Nanak and Joker? If you're baffled by the last name on the trail, don't be. Now, answer the question. Can't? Think harder. Still can't? Cool. The thing common to the above mentioned gentlemen is they were all laughed at when they started out on their quest. They were ridiculed for their thoughts and actions. Let's not even get to the part where Jesus was crucified. To make it worse, he was humiliated by a petty thief on a neighbouring cross. Which means, he was laughed at even moments before he left the earth. No, not taking away any credit from the great soul from Bethlehem. Just making a lame point. Coming back to Joker, like all great men (fictional or otherwise) had to go through the grind called society. Joker did the same too. His back story is gloomy and his redemption lies in setting the evil free. Like all the fellow members of his club, his ideas are radical too. He feels humans are capable of everything as long as there are no incentives—a theory that challenges the tenets of capitalism—leading him to burn the cash. He genuinely believes money restricts our true potential and our species is capable of much more. Whenever he tries to espouse his views, he's laughed at. So much so he became the Joker. Maybe, in some ways, he's the messiah Gotham needs. Just that the city is too dark already to realize that. 

On the seventh day...

• God took to music.
• God said, "Screw this experiment! It's not working."
• God laughed at the mystery that engulfed nothing.
• God already knew what everybody was going to do on their first summer. 
• God rested to figure out what drove him on the first day to such madness.
• God said "Let there be light" instead of "Let there be delight."
• God got irritated and reminded us to thank him for Sunday too.
• God lost count of her mistakes.
• God went to LA and got wasted.
• God created a competitor in the form of a short cricketer.
• God finally stopped procrastinating.
• God turned pro and declared himself infinite.
• God missed humour. 
• God felt loneliness.
• God grinned in between.
• God wondered why weren't there any Udupi hotels yet. 
• God took a break and thought for a while - "WHY ME?"
• God took early retirement.

Cheated by God

If not smiles, then Almighty is in our tears. That's certainly how it looks like...from a distance! I may not be fond of religious activities today (much to my old ma's chagrin) but once upon an innocent time, I was a regular temple-visitor. Often accompanied by her, I used to be at my disciplined best once I entered the holy sanctum. No running around or screaming like an orangutan in a boat. I naturally assumed that it must be a sin to fart too. I used to chant the same pray-for-others-before-you-pray-for-yourself Tulu prayer my grandmother taught me. But neither those words nor those visits allowed me to befriend God. However, that particular miracle happened when I started showing up at the place-that-heals all alone. On my own. Since I didn't have an elder brother to 'protect' me from bullies (though I never thought I was supposed to mean the same to my younger brother) at school, I often confided in the dark Hindu idols. In the long run, my God was to become aware of all my dirty secrets which usually involved stealing money (from dad), stationery (from classmates), chalks (from teachers) and glances (from neighbours). Since I presumed He (yea, it was a colossal gender mistake but in my defense, I was barely eight) should know everything, I told him everything. There were days when I used to sit in front of him and cry inconsolably. He was my official shrink with superpowers. Though he never showed a sign of interest in me, I never gave up on Him. As the months passed by, I was growing tired of being. Finally, I delivered two options: either turn me into a grown-up or help me disappear at will. Stupid me. The Bastard conned me as I neither grew up nor became the invisible human who never was.

Sating heart and stomach

My grandma used to say that there's no such thing as good or bad. "Only hunger exists." Those were her exact words... in Tulu, of course! What she meant to say was we do things because we want to. Even if it's something that contradicts the person that we are. We commit our deeds—well or evil—because an urge as strong as hunger—if not stronger—does the deal on our behalf. It's all about being in a given situation. People react differently under different conditions but they do react. Like, when you see an old lady finding it tough to cross the road, you just stand there transfixed wondering whether to go ahead and offer her an helping hand or not. And by the time you resolve to attempt your one-good-deed-a-day, she has already made it to the other side. The hunger to serve was lacking; nothing else. We tend to think too much about things that doesn't need pondering and conveniently overlook what necessitates burning of brain cells. One doesn't need to be a anthropologist or a sociologist to notice that behaviour makes us who we've become. An individual with a filled stomach is going to act in a certain manner. Facing starvation, that very individual is most likely to act in an uncertain manner. Ergo, it's advisable to find some food before your empty stomach nibbles on your conscience. Every time we waste food, someone dies of famish somewhere. This might sound statistically absurd but it surely holds some grain of truth. As my pious grandma never said, hunger is the religion that binds every creature on this godforsaken planet.

Blowing the trumpets

Since gods don't discriminate, faith—like dicks and breasts—comes in all sizes. They claim that it can move mountains but if you observe closely, it moves long restless queues ahead. With Ganesh Chaturthi being celebrated on full volume, one can understand how faith functions in this country. First of all, there are no set rules. Idol worship, not Hinduism (because modern Hindus have no idea what it's all about), allows us this liberty. You can decorate the statue, put up ugly political hoardings, collect unaudited funds, create ruckus on the streets, play Bollywood songs that have nothing to do with the Elephant God and get away with it. Even the otherwise sane people don't bother to question any of the above mentioned idiocies as the reason is pretty simple: Beliefs work in mysterious ways. I've got nothing against Lord Ganesha. He has always been my favourite superhero. Also, he's cute and keeps his lengthy nose out of my business. And unlike his devotees, He doesn't believe in rat race. Maybe this has to do with the fact that Kroncha is too fat to move! I simply adore him from the huge bottom of my heart. I wish i could say the same for those who worship him and then mercilessly kill elephants for their ivories. Experts often note that Al Pacino inspired Big B when the truth is Ganpati was the original angry young man who disliked his dad. Anyway, things aren't going to change anytime soon. In noisy times like these, i just wish The One With 108 Names was a Buddhist or something.

A for Allah, B for Burqa

Before i embark on this controversial subject, let me inform you that I’ve got nothing against Islam. In fact, i dearly believe in it though i don't practise it. Just like most other Muslims. I'm not an expert in it either. Just like most mullahs (unless your name is Dr. Zakir Naik). Anyway, in recent times, no other faith got subjected to criticism as intensely as Islam. Small wonder it's the fastest-spreading religion! Coming back to the topic at hand, I’m not against burqa. I think it makes a cool style statement and i will defend to the death a man's right to wear it. Yup. The reason why I’ve chosen to submit my invaluable inputs on this garment is the hypocrisy that goes into the making of a culture (mind you, not religion). Religion and culture might intermingle but they are two separate entities and the sooner we acknowledge the fact, the better it is. Islam is a religion and Arabic is NOT the only culture on the planet. One doesn't have to become an Arab to be a Muslim. As simple as that. If at all there should be a set dress code, it has to be free of sexism. Understandably, that ain't the case as the pseudo-code in this ambit has always been set by polygamous bearded men. And there is a huge difference between a hijab and a burqa and a niqab and so on. For argument's sake, let's stick to burqa here. You see, if one discards that ridiculous face veil, it's a pretty conventional garment. But when it covers a woman's identity, it delivers a thick-veiled attack on feminism—at least that’s what the West wants us to believe. The European retards who thought banning hijab in France would prove a point are damn right. It proves they are retards. At the end of the day, banning burqa is like banning a ban, right? Now, the van-friendly Netherlands is also planning to ban burqas from next year onwards. All of a sudden, the Dutch are speaking French! Fortunately, we won’t face such iniquity in India as our politics fornicates with religion on a daily basis. Our women are free to wear burqa whenever and wherever they like. They don't even have to be Muslims for doing so. By the way, Bohri women's rida pwns the plain-black-tortured-under-Indian-sun fabric by miles on aesthetic terms. On a serious note, i  guess a woman can not only wear a burqa but also mummify herself if SHE wants. It should purely be HER choice.

The Last Christmas

Merry Boxing Day to y’all. Or better still, Merry leftover Christmas to the poor. I love this time of the year, you see? In fact, I’m fond of every festival that offers delicious yet free food. Nevertheless, as one can guess, I’m going to be harsh from this point onwards. I waited nearly a week for Diwali bash(ing) but since I realize that my blog has got only a handful of unfortunate followers (thanks to my reluctance to unabashedly promote the way everyone is supposed to), there is no point in waiting to hurt people’s sentiments.

I abhor most practices associated with religion. It has more to do with my DNA than my parents’ as they are very God-fearing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t admire the festivity and the colorful decorations and whatnot. But then there is always something hidden behind religion that ain’t an expert with the concept of camouflage. Christmas too has its fallacious side.

"Maybe I’ll have to resurrect once again just to remind you idiots that it's not my birthday!" - Jesus Christ

We celebrate it as Jesus Christ’s birthday despite being fully aware that he wasn’t born on December 25^th. He was a superb fella who had issues with his Father and all but that doesn’t mean we should distort his very date of birth. To add to his eternal woes, we haven’t tried hard enough to rectify this error. Accordingly, we should have been a little more sensitive and traced the exact night he was born.

The travelogues of the Three Wise Men who were on Maggi diet during their arduous travel could have helped. After all, we celebrate Buddha and Muhammad’s birthday every single year using lunar year calendar. So why befuddle ourselves with Georgian calendar and carry on this historical travesty?

One other aspect regarding Christ’s race bothers me. He was a brown-eyed, dark-haired Jew. There is no ambiguity in this reality. But thanks to Charlemagne and the eventual patenting of Christianity by ‘whites’, Christ miraculously turned into a blonde supermodel with blue eyes, golden-hair and an awe-inspiring set of abs. Would he be any less of a prophet (or God or whatever it is we look up to him for) were he a brunette?

Even the nativity scenes replicated by us during yuletide exhibit critical geographical and climatic flaws. We depict snowfalls in them when we know that Bethlehem had as much chance of a snowfall as Mumbai does. And it doesn’t stop there. We have this infatuation with the so-called Xmas tree when it has hardly anything to do with Jesus and his neighborhood. Those trees became a part of Christmas folklore way late into the 15^th century or so in Eastern Europe.

Recently, Pope got all worked up and reminded Christendom the importance of inculcating deeper religious values instead of celebratory ones. He was slyly attacking Santa Claus I guess. After all, kids (and adults alike) seem so thrilled to greet that obese character from Finland who is hell bent on promoting Coca-Cola even today after decades of slipping through charred chimneys. I adore his reindeers though. Since my childhood days, all I’ve ever requested him to do is gracefully hand me over his mode of transport. Naturally, I haven’t heard from him yet. Either he doesn’t exist or he loves his reindeers way too much.

Coming back to where I started, I can’t make a difference nor do I wish to when religion is involved. But we’ve got to understand that almost all faith-based ideologies are replete with myths, lies, tales and unsubstantial claims. Unless and until we don’t realize this, there will always be a wall of discontent and intolerance between folks belonging to different religion and sects.

In any case, what’s the harm in creating fancy stories and fake snowfall? As long as humankind is kind enough to be happy and not baying for each other’s blood, we should be celebrating whatever comes up on the calendar even if the date is grossly mistaken.

One more thing. I don’t mean to be a doomsdayist but if the Mayans were right, this could well had been our last Christmas ever!

God, Me, You, Us, Everyone Else

You believe in rumours, don’t you? What a stupid question! Everyone does. Period. The very essence of conversation is based on doubts. God is a rumour too. I won’t be exaggerating if I stated that God is the longest-running rumour of all time. This is so because no other creature believes in scaremongering. For the record, I’m not against God. In fact, we are close chums the way Calvin and Hobbes are. He speaks to me in Sanskrit with a strong Arabic accent. At least in my imagination.

You see, being an atheist can be tiresome sometimes as there is no God to blame for your f-ed up life. And you don’t want to beg to a Superior Power up there lost deep in heaven. To be brutally honest, praying never worked for me and I'm certain it didn't work for God either. On the sly, I do request Him to kindly grant me the strength to overcome the urge to pray. He hasn’t responded to my ironic appeal YET. Amusingly, I keep telling Amma that God is not a Mangalorean but she insists on praying in Tulu.

Like I said, I’ve got no issue with God. I never make fun of Him. I have respect for those who are considerate enough not to exist. I may be sounding allergic to Him but it’s nothing compared to what I feel for religion. The fact remains: There's nothing religious about being God. It's always religion that keeps yapping about God. The Dude never uttered a word about religion. He acknowledges my indifference for religion and he's fine with it. Wait a minute, perhaps, what we truly need is a God-proof religion. That might as well solve our problems. Once and for all.

To me, God is everywhere. Being an Indian, Sachin is God, too. On a lighter side, whenever I try to picture God, Al Pacino pops up in my head. Maybe he is God. Or maybe I need less cinema and more sleep. Whatever. Even right now, as I’m typing what you’re trying to make sense, this sleeky lizard on the wall is acting as if it's God. Well, it might be. 

Who knows?

God is a crazy creature. And the most intriguing part is He is very polite and very suave. Like Marlon Brando in Godfather. Someone who knows how to get things done. In spite of such charm, He doesn’t like to be praised. Have you ever seen ANY other creature singing hymns or reciting odes? Don’t lie. It is simply a retarded way of wasting endangered time. In any case, how can our mortal applause affect someone as mighty as Him? Anyway, even if I were God, I wouldn't have easily succumbed to flattery in the name of religion.

God was created by theists. You know them. You could be one of ‘em. The ones who believe it was God, not alarm clock, that woke them up this morning. Majority of humans just can’t do without His omnipresence. Despite not being on social networking sites, God still remains the world's most famous imaginary friend. For the time being, let’s assume God created humankind and humankind returned the favour by creating God. Comforting, yeah.

We love stories. And stories are nothing less than an extended version of rumours which unfortunately stood the test of time. We read stuff where God doesn’t give a shit about science and goes on to create a wonderful world in 6 days flat. And on the 7th day, He sits down to figure out what drove him on the 1st day to such madness. I haven’t even visited the Garden of Eden but am damn sure no flower out there can match God's fart in terms of sweetness. No, seriously. This is somehow the vague logic behind religions created by diehard fans of God.

Coming back to atheism (read: ignorance with benefits), I often challenge my overtly religious friends to show me their God and I’ll show my faith in return. No one wins the debate. To be fair, God is a lot like Osama. No one sees or meets him but every once in a while, he lets out signs that he do exist. God forbid, I become a believer like the rest of us.

On a second thought, I shouldn’t have written this verbose garbage today. After all, it’s time we acknowledged the fact that God doesn't like to be invoked on weekends.

Cataclyseismic

Fortunately, it wasn't Japan's fault. It was Earth's fault by default. Unfortunately, Japanese citizens had to pay a heavy price. And this scenario is witnessed from above the water. More horror lies within the surface with thousands still missing. Yes, we are talking about the latest tsunami-earthquake combo that was unleashed on a nation that holds nearly 2% of the planet’s human population and is the world’s third largest economy.

The stupefying pictures and videos posted on Internet and shown by our media depict scenes straight out of a multi-million special-effects-filled Hollywood movie. The only problem being this time it was for real. Living beings, both marine and terrestrial, were affected and in most cases, fatally. When you are alive in an era constituting of such cruel events, you’re bound to have infinite questions in your dumb head.

What is the purpose of living like termites? Why is death more mysterious than J.M. Coetzee? Does God believe in Karma? Were the Mayans really that good with math? Did Aryabhatta have any liaison with them? Are we approaching Judgment Day faster than planned? What is the dress code for that once-in-a-deathtime occasion? Did Steve Jobs spread the ‘world-will-end-in-2012’ rumour so as to sell off his iPads? Will religion save our corrupt colourless soul? What the fuck am I doing writing (reading, in your case) this tripe? And many more such ineffectual doubts.

The worst part is you can’t throw a careless joke and feel wise about such catastrophe. This is no TV show or political gimmick. Real people are dying here. People die in wars too but wars don’t involve God. God is just an imaginary spectator on bloodsheddy battlefields. Here, God is like an active stockholder provided he cares to exist. But still you don’t give up. You just don’t want to lurch in a jocular fix. Otherwise, you’ll start sounding serious and destroy whatever is left of insanity. You come up with weird theories. For instance, earthquakes prove that there is life beneath us and every once in a while, they like to party. Or that God loves Twitter for he never fails to provide the unemployed ones with topics to discuss with the employed ones (who then themselves don’t work much!). Anyway, Twitter is to conversation what bonsai is to trees. Fair enough.

On a serious note, whenever some thing like this happens, instead of making God feel guilty, we pray and make him arrogant. People go ballistic with emotions and almost get close to invoke God and convince him to sign up for Social Media. We’ve got to understand that it doesn’t make any difference. Our so-called concerns are as significant as the letter 't' in the word tsunami. You see, it’s like asking a burglar to undo the theft. The praying lot are the most hypocritical, I must add. They are aware but still they do it as it relieves them of guilt associated with life and luck. The unpraying tribe simply marvel at the extent of our Creator’s inability to summon a less painful design. Moreover, if this disaster was a prologue to the play called Armageddon, I’d be very disappointed in the director named God.

My respect for Japanese people has increased a thousand fold for their sheer resilience. They keep their chin up and try to get on with life with discipline despite impossibilities surrounding them. History has it that they are the only ones to face atom bombs. By their record, they’ll emerge soon. Hopefully, much stronger than before. Of course, we ain't talking about the deads here.

Stop playing dice with paradise!

By all accounts, J&K has become a nerve-wrecking problem for all the stakeholders in that region right from the Kashmiris themselves to the mechanical arrangements that involves India and Pakistan in this long and complex arena of conflicts, apathy, pathos and despair.

It’d be very lucid to say anything about ‘K’ without addressing the evolution of this state. Kashmir has been a lingering issue that should have been resolved way back. I agree India has failed Kashmir. Pakistan too has. They have failed to address people’s concerns. It has rather become fashionable to speak over the ownership rights of this disputed land. Grandiosity from both side of the border steals the limelight while addressing people directly takes a back burner. No wonder, empty rhetoric is what is left on the table.

When the British finally decided to relinquish the Indian subcontinent, they were discussing about how the future state/s would take place. Various ideas right from creation of nations on the basis of language, basic culture, region & religion emerged. Of all the factors, religion became the ultimate criterion.

Though the Indian subcontinent boasted of nearly all-existing world religions right from the Indic beliefs of Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism & Sikhism to Abrahamic yet Indianised versions of Islam, Christianity & Judaism as well. Considering social passions, it was decided to include Islam and ‘the rest’ as primary dividing factors and thus, the modern states of multi-religious India and largely Muslim Pakistan got created.

But some regions became a thorn for resolution, primarily, the princely state of Jammu & Kashmir. Kashmir being a Muslim majority area was claimed by Pakistan for obvious reasons whereas India’s claims rested on ‘accession’ agreement signed between the Maharaja of J&K and the Indian government. It also needs to be pointed that though Pakistan was proclaiming itself as the homeland for sub-continental Muslims, even then, the modern partitioned India had more Muslims in entirety than Pakistan.

Also, Pakistan’s convictions further deteriorated when its eastern wing got separated to form the present independent nation of Bangladesh. The struggle for independent B’desh from united ‘Islamic Republic of Pakistan’ was on linguistic basis and not religion as cornerstone. It somehow proved that religion couldn’t always be a cohesive factor.

Now coming back to ‘K’.

More than 60 years have died giving birth to this problem as it is, and still we are running in political circles. People who’ve been following Kashmir can easily vouch for the fact that not all is well in paradise. Sadly, it is burning. And I suppose people with a benevolent heart and mind would feel pained to witness their agony and would like to see an end to their sufferings. Kashmiris themselves are tired and are demanding ‘Azaadi’. ‘Azaadi’ from the daily humiliation they go through and ‘Azaadi’ to live in a functional society with pristine atmosphere. After all, it’s a basic right for every breathing human being.

No one likes Army or, for that matter, any non-civilian body interrupting daily course of life, and that too on a weak hint of suspicion. And it’s a naked secret that defense forces have used coercion and violation at a drop of hat.

Having said that, playing devil’s advocate, what I don’t understand about voices coming from the Valley with statements such as “Kashmiri society and Indian society are different” and that “Kashmiri culture and Indian culture varies”.

My questions are - What is Indian culture? Can anyone define Indian culture? Is India too homogenous to assimilate Kashmir influence within its society and national frame? Can you identify any single aspect (say language/religion/culture) and declare it’s truly Indian and rest as not?

On the contrary, Indian society is a vast and diverse phenomenon. India’s diversity is capable of holding variety of interests and ideas even when conflicting each other eventually leading to broad based assimilation. Can’t beautiful Kashmir fit into exotic India? Don’t you think of all the existing options for Kashmir its continuance, as part of India would be a crown for its own welfare as well as for an idea called India?

Normality must return to Valley, at the earnest. We all agree. But what after that? A permanent solution must yield taking all the relevant factors into consideration. People who have long reneged on their Kashmiri identity in favor of power should keep their mouth shut and mind open. They are misleading the masses into false utopian beliefs. It will be nothing more than a farce and eventually too late to reconcile with truth. Arrogant Army powers must be severely amended, if not repealed completely. Crime is a crime and that applies to everyone. Shopian rape case showed how fragile the judiciary is in J&K. The culprits were not held accountable for their misdeeds. It was blindfolded Themis that went to trial and acrimoniously disrobed. Events as such shouldn’t be allowed to repeat.

And yes, there is an undeniable gap between mainland Indians and people in the northernmost state. Lack of communication has been a huge deterrent. Tourism in J&K, which helped a lot in fostering economy, goodwill and camaraderie was, no wonder, attacked by the secessionist/terrorist elements. As long as people-to-people connect is absent, all other efforts will only be on paper. If we want to call a country with 28 states, then we better not act like a 27 states nation. Interestingly, Bollywood of the past glorified Kashmir as a tourist destination, but today, even it prefers Swiss Alps.

My post here reeks of parochialism and I can’t do anything about it for a very simple reason: I am an Indian. My nation was built on common aspirations, common dreams and a search for common identity. We weren’t forced to shout “I am an Indian” at any point of time. The sense of Indianness trickles from our heart no matter whichever state we belong to or whatever tongue we speak. Yes, we are facing problems in the form of poverty, Naxalism, corruption and whatnot but talking of secession of Kashmir, I don’t think it helps the case.

India has a timeless history of tolerance. Even today, we tolerate a lot. But frankly, toleration of sedition is one thing and secession, another. We don’t have to look weak. All we have to do is be right and right now, we are far from right. We are in the middle of somewhere.

Prosperous Jammu & Kashmir, Progressive India and South Asian haleness should be the ultimate aim.