When jokes kill

Once upon a time, there was this one monkey left in a jungle. Raised by nature, he fell under the impression that he was too smart. Because of this misconception, he started playing pranks on whoever he could lay his eyes and words on. Sometimes, he was funny and sometimes, nasty. To his good luck, nobody seemed to mind his antics. Everybody waived the impact of his outrageous behavior. So the monkey ended up spending his time either feeding himself or fending for new victims for his practical jokes. One day, he came across a lazy elephant who was already struggling with weight issues. Out of attitudinal compulsion, the monkey blurted out some mean sentences. The frustrated pachyderm didn't take any of the nonsense kindly and pulled down the branch on which Mr. Tail was perched. The violent shock was too much to bear while getting crushed under a wooden being was bit of an unpleasant surprise.     

Moral of the story: Luck sucks especially when you're idiotic as well as endangered.

Medical ahemergency

For almost a month now, i've been waking up with a severe pain in my back. The funny part is it gets better moments after i get up and stretch myself. I've heard of biological clock but this must be a biological alarm that doesn't want me to sleep after sunrise. After the usual morning rituals that includes feeling bad for myself thanks to my failing health and telling mother that she deserves a maid—if not a daughter-in-law—i reach workplace only to station myself into a god-forbidden chair whose sole purpose in life is to make sure its adherent end up with sedentary diseases. By afternoon, the pain miraculously shifts to my front. It's definitely not stomach—some inches above it actually on either side. Must be the liver and whatever that is on its opposite end. Again, i remedy myself by taking a walk. Boom! The discomfort is gone. One of the lessons life teaches us is to amble without purpose as often as possible. Some learn it early. Some by the time they're retiring or retired enough to spend quality time in the local park. Coming back to somebody who is neither retired yet nor has a promising career, i feel a sharp tinge in my head as the evening approaches night with an offer it can't refuse. It's not headache for certain. Definitely not migraine. It's more of a sensation. Like electricity running in your optical veins. Damn, it's annoying though! It reminds me of that hernia which i got operated several years ago. However, the solution is simpler this time around: i look out of the window before going back to watching movies/sitcoms/series and sleep with the PC eventually slipping into standby mood. With the 24/7 downloading on as usual. Fortunately enough, the backache politely waits for the night to end.

A for Assholes

Homo Erectus > Neanderthal Man > Cro-Magnon Man > Homo Sapiens > Assholes

After reading the above deduction, you might be wondering whether you're an asshole. If you are, chances are you aren't. Doing what makes you happy doesn't make you selfish. However, if you overdo that, it makes you an asshole. As simple as that. Our whole planet is full of people who hurt others through action, words, intent or accident. Some of them do have reasons. Some of them don't. But it's OK. That's how nature works. Even democracy is three out of five guys concluding that the remaining two are assholes. Anyway, the latter shall inherit the earth. Fuck meeks! You see, the benefit of being an asshole is you can be yourself. There's nothing to hide behind. And it's never too late to be what you are. The advantage of being an asshole is you can always do worse. Sadly, the sophisticated assholes are replacing the original ones. Those who don't know the difference between the two are doomed to deal with the former.

Crazy, Stupid, How?

Love is one-quarter deaf, half blind and a quarter mute. I arrived at this conclusion after realizing that i've never really been in love since my vote became acceptable. Nor have i felt deafness, blindness and muteness at a fixed proportion. Though the whole business of propositioning a girl with promises still intrigues me, i haven't asked anyone out yet. I've had moments that lasted a few days here and there but i never felt the urge to envision a life with someone. That's what folks in love do, right? Apparently, it requires courage and a level of selflessness that i stunningly lack. Not a single night has passed by when i couldn't sleep because i was thinking of someone. Nor a day has greeted me to shake me off my daydreaming spree. Maybe i'm too idealistic for my own good. Put in a sentence, my idea of love is simpler because it doesn't prescribe to any condition and is bereft of pretensions. It doesn't require someone to be something. It's either there or not. Almost all my friends turned cosmic-eyed when they confessed they had feelings for someone they never ended up with. That never happened to me. Too much exposure to cinema, poetry and existential thoughts can do so to anyone. In unrelated news, not very long ago, a friend of mine told me that i'll never be happy because i bask in my loneliness. The exact words were "How can you be so consumed by yourself?" before my mind-screen went blank. All i remember from that conversation is a concerned voice. It didn't belong to me. I was three-fourth blind and a quarter mute.

Statements of purposelessness

Sweetheart, welcome to my life. Or the lack of it.
Sweetheart, would you mind if i love you?
Sweetheart, your cold shoulder is the hottest thing about you.
Sweetheart, our in-laws are meant for each other.
Sweetheart, i'm asking you to read that poem because i wrote it in your voice.
Sweetheart, were you mistreated by your own convictions?
Sweetheart, would you agree that your heart was broken long before i entered the scene?
Sweetheart, has anyone told you that you'd be wonderful with your mouth shut?
Sweetheart, you can never defeat me as i don't even attempt.
Sweetheart, why do you need a lipstick when your lips don't? 
Sweetheart, let me cry you a river so that we can drown in it.
Sweetheart, where the fuck is your umbrella?
Sweetheart, stop blushing in disguise.
Sweetheart, i'd respect your opinion provided you tell me where exactly it is.
Sweetheart, your issues aren't as big as me.
Sweetheart, dieting is clearly not working for you. Starve.
Sweetheart, do you remember the last time you killed me?
Sweetheart, they care about heart diseases, not broken hearts.
Sweetheart, keep me in your pants. Your prayers and heart can wait.
Sweetheart, we've got a gorgeous past laid out in front of us.
Sweetheart, don't fall for me. That would defeat the purpose.
Sweetheart, maybe you should stop blowing my mind and try something else.
Sweetheart, let's get marred. 
Sweetheart, you put the dent in my confident. 
Sweetheart, how did you manage to get lost in your own desert?  
Sweetheart, i love eww too.
Sweetheart, doesn't it hurt being so fabulous? 
Sweetheart, kiss me. I'm that frog you've been waiting for. 
Sweetheart, please continue to remain ignorant of your own brilliance.
Sweetheart, is that your natural countenance or do you practice? 
Sweetheart, you haven't changed a bit since the last time i saw you in my dreams.
Sweetheart, you are the answer to all the horrible questions i troubled God with.
Sweetheart, if only you could change your habit of constantly changing your mind. 
Sweetheart, of course i like you. Why else do you think i'd put up with all your crap?
Sweetheart, you don't have to work very hard to earn my disrespect.
Sweetheart, let's not compromise on the element of fakeness.
Sweetheart, stop repeating "What?" and listen to WHAT i'm saying.
Sweetheart, we can work this out provided we both try not to forget that i'm bound to act like an idiot.
Sweetheart, i'm too illiterate to read your mind. 
Sweetheart, to be or knot to be, that is the question. 
Sweetheart, don't mean to be rude but you're absolutely beautiful.  
Sweetheart, the reason why i tell you the truth is i know you're not paying attention.
Sweetheart, your beauty is trying to keep up with you.
Sweetheart, how is your health and others' weather treating you?
Sweetheart, kindly parole yourself out of my mind.
Sweetheart, i'm willing to spare my 21 grams for you.
Sweetheart, you put the promise in promiscuous.
Sweetheart, how can you be imaginary and awesome at the same time?
Sweetheart, you're something else! Now, is that enough or should i carry on?

Will the real messiah please stand up?

Mallika Sherawat thinks Narendra Modi is India's most eligible bachelor. But then, she also thinks she is the Marilyn Monroe of 21st century. You can't blame her for being so delusional. What else can justify her singing the Happy Birthday song in an accented tone for the charismatic candidate à la the Original Sex Symbol did for JFK? It's plain craziness. From what one can gather from this episode is NaMo Fever touching a new high. And the Haryanvi actress is just cashing on publicity by riding the wave. She's not the only one though. All you've got to do is look around with your eyes open. Social media is abuzz with fanatics who don't like BJP but would sacrifice their fingertips for their leader. The general public seems to be rooting for his designation come 2014. Congress, on the other hand, appears abysmal thanks to their Somalian track record. It's nothing less than a miracle that they are still governing our country. The worst part, however, is their lack of a face. Rahul Gandhi, someone? Naaaah. Even though he doesn't have a single smear of corruption on his dynastic brow—just like his dear Gujju foe—the "young" gun has been far from impressive. Personally, i don't like either of them. One is a communal hardliner who hasn't tested himself at the national level and the other is a sickular softie who might never be tested at whatever level. But for the sake of argument, it'd be interesting to see NaMo at 7, Racecourse Road. Ek chance toh banta hai, for all the momentum his name has gathered in the past few scam-filled years. It behooves us to check whether he's really that messiah who'll deliver our beleaguered nation from further damage. If he succeeds, well and good. If he doesn't, bad for his supporters. Anyway, between the devil and the sea, it's better to choose swimming.

Leh'ed back and forth

Ladakh is breathtakingly beautiful. I mean every single word of it. The place takes your breath away. Quite literally. You experience mild asthmatic attacks even after doing something as banal as walking. Of course, the lack of oxygen at such a high altitude must be the culprit. But that's not it. Your body often fails to fall in line with the laws of mountains which can result in headache, nausea, nose-bleeding, anxiety, vomiting, fever and weakness. There might be other effects as well but i experienced each of the above during the first two days of the 'acclimatization' process. What this term refers to is the period and precaution your system take to adapt to the weather up there. The usual tip handed to a tourist is "Lie on your bed as much as possible" and "Sip water/fluids as much as possible". Guess what? Both tasks are impossibly boring in nature. Especially when you can see apples and apricots hanging onto the tree right outside your hotel window. Apparently, the trick is to curb excitement and channel one's energy very wisely. I couldn't. And by the time i was 'acclimatized' enough to call myself a Ladakhi, i was already flying to Mumbai via Delhi.