Sunday, March 17, 2013

Twitter's 96 Unwritten Rules

I've been on Twitter for more than four years now. My DP is as old as my twi-life. That's not a long time but it's long enough to let you know that you're basically a lazy narcissist who doesn't give a damn about social etiquette (read: vain conversations). Anyway, over the years, i've written some unwritten rules every now and then. Ironically enough. I don't follow them nor do i expect others to. About two years ago, i did a small study on the first three rules but as time passed by, i grew wiser and gave up. However, it's interesting to see how trends change and we try to make our virtual world as interesting as it can get while our real one begs upgradation. Below you'll find 96 such rules which are best left unread. [In case you're wondering why 96 and not 99 or 100, that's because it's 96 and not 99 or 100.]

Twitter's Unwritten Rule #1: When you don't have anything to say, say. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #2: Don't keep your crap to yourself. Your timeline is dying to *no*. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #3: Feel busier than you really are.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #4: In case you run out of rubbish to share, twitpic.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #5: Type whatever you want to say. No one's paying attention anyway. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #6: Don't shelve your worthless one-bit thoughts. Tweet.
Twitter's unwritten Rule #7: Remind us who we were lest we forget.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #8: Stay illusioned. After all, you are a tweep.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #9: Typos shall love you more than you hate them.
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #10: Learn a lot about tweeps by meeting them. But a lot more by not ACTUALLY meeting them.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #11: However unbearable the bullshit, whatever be the consequences, remember just one thing—it's OK.  
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #12: Apologize as soon as you realize that you’re making sense. 
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #13: Twitter ain't for spreading hatred. It's for making us feel better about our sorry life. 
Twitter’s Unwritten Rule #14: Karma will unleash typos to wreck your poor jokes.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #15: Every second person on the timeline is an amateur photographer.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #16: Be. See. Flee.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #17: You don't need fodder for news. The news is you.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #18: Follow interesting tweets, not tweeps.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #19: If you're paying close attention to my crap, then yes, we are friends forever. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #20: Don't approve of whatever you tweet before and after lunch.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #21: Twitter shall make you feel busier than you really are.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #22: If someone unfollows you, be glad. At least someone took your crap seriously.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #23: You're an addict when you misplace something and look all over the timeline for it.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #24: A thought ain't aware what fucking downhill is all about until it turns into a lousy tweet.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #25: Referring to oneself in the third person = Referring to oneself in the first person 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #26: Anything that begins with 'Dear...' is going to end with a not-so-endearing comment.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #27: Log in just like you piss i.e. whenever you ought to.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #28: Judge other tweeps but keep your judgements to yourself.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #29: Stay emotionally damaged but be physically available on the timeline.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #30: Go conquer the world. Meanwhile, let the timeline know how much your life sucks.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #31: Wisecracks aren't signs of wisdom as they are peculiar signs of, well, horrible wisecracks. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #32: If reading others' merry tweets makes you happy, your innocence deserves much more happiness than that.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #33: Be as interesting as your retweets.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #34: No matter how many times one rewrites a bad joke, it remains just another bad joke.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #35: Spending too much time on the timeline is not only unhealthy but also unhealthy.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #36: Whatever.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #37: Anything on the timeline that begins with "Sometimes..." should be neglected. Any given time.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #38: You're more than just disoriented when instead of committing a typo, you miss the entire freaking word.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #39: It's impossible to forget a good tweet even if you can't recollect the tweep who posted it.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #40: We shall never run out of hypocritical nonsense.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #41: Timeline is a conversation bait at its worst.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #42: If you are here to prove something, you're demolishing the sole purpose.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #43: Trolls may not like you but they're the ones who genuinely pay heed to your virtual existence.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #44: If your tweets are irritating a particular set of crowd, you must be doing something right.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #45: Never ask tweeps whether they're employed or what they do for a living.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #46: Be your fake self.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #47: For every earthquaky action, there is an exaggerated timeline reaction.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #48: Every little thing takes place for the sake of a tweet.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #49: Thou shalt commit silly typos. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #50: Whenever you commit a typo, they'll laugh...and then wait for you to correct it.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #51: More or less, all opinions expressed on the timeline are of negligible value.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #52: Everybody on the timeline sound like each other i.e. somebody they are not.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #53: A majority of the folks here are sex joke offenders.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #54: All tweeps are contemporary writers.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #55: Together we can and we will make a grievance.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #56: The hashtag #OKIamgoing always sounds funnier than whatever precedes it. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #57: We won't leave Twitter abusing the lame old excuse saying THAT would make us quitters.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #58: Sentimental tweets and timeline are made for each other.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #59: Tweeps can't afford to be poor.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #60: Everybody is entitled to everybody's opinion.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #61: If you've got absolutely no idea what you're doing on the timeline, you're acing it.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #62: Each one of us have a unique image here. It's called DP. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #63: To each his pwn.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #64: If you're plagiarizing a tweet, make sure you end it with #rerun. You might at least get the benefit of doubt. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #65: We are only as insomniac as our timeline.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #66: Quit pretending that you're the last savior of Queen's English. It doesn't owe you anything and vice versa.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #67: The honestest compliment one can ever get here is a o_O. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #68: The logout button is the only thing worth taking seriously here. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #69: The timeline will ALWAYS appear happier than you.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #70: Tweeps never lose an opportunity to add RIP before famous names. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #71: If you fail to laugh at your timeline, you're an idiot.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #72: Avoid meeting fellow-tweeps. They seem better in their tweets.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #73: Impressing your old followers is always going to be one heck of a task. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #74: Keeping up with the tradition, Twitter's Unwritten Rule #75 is going to suck even more.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #75: Kabhi kisi ko mukammal jahaan nahi milta; kahi retweet toh kahi star nahi milta.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #76: For a majority of us, tweeting is the closest we'll ever get to social service.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #77: As long as you can tip, it doesn't matter whether you are a pro or not.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #78: Your tweets are supposed to be good enough only for YOU and no one else. 
 Twitter's Unwritten Rule #79: Almost every second thing that happens is twitpic-worthy.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #80: If you haven't been abused by random tweeps yet, you are doing EVERYTHING wrong.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #81: You've arrived for real when somebody gets your tweet tattooed on their ass.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #82: If you can't tweet well, diss well.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #83: For every action, there's an equal and opposite hashtag reaction.
 Twitter's Unwritten Rule #84: Be the outrage you want to see in the world.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #85: Time is divided into BO (Before Outrage) and AO (After Outrage) 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #86: We never grow tired of entertaining each other for free. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #87: Be appreciative of the crap you read here because time and energy has been spent on it.  
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #88: Bring thinking back. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #89: If you can't say it here, those words shall most probably die with you. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #90: Think twice before posting one-liners. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #91: We're never going to be as awesome as our tweets. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #92: It's not a twi-fight if it doesn't involve blood.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #93: Don't generalize. 
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #94: Never act as if you've got a life by saying stuff like "I've got a life".
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #95: There was a lousy comedian in you that needed internet to come out.
Twitter's Unwritten Rule #96: We tweet best when we've got absolutely nothing to tweet.
 

3 comments:

Ngajato.Ronzana said...

:)

Neha said...

And I always thought you randomly numbered them!

divya said...

For that rule no 86,
Thank god!!!!! :)

Hey!
What a compilation!