What makes you great?

You.

Nonsense of tumour

Thought of the day: Try not to die today. Thank you.

Laughing stock and a smiling dog

As a kid, i was fond of animals. Except lizards. I still am. For one, dogs always enthralled me. Especially those stray ones. There was this abandon they represented without uttering a word. It's a miracle how they are still found on our streets. Excuse culling please! They teach us our species so much. And by lessons, i don't just mean the very facts of life. Porn happened to me a decade later as mating in public turned out to be their way of letting us know that they are cooler than hippies. You laugh at them because they can be so stupid as well. Chasing cars long before Snow Patrol made it a song? What are bicycles for? Whatever. There are exceptions too. I remember this female-dog—an adorable bitch, actually—who smiled as soon as you utter the word 'siri'. Now i'm talking about an era where Apple hadn't discovered the alphabet i. At the risk of turning nostalgic (more nostalgic than usual), i can clearly picturise her broad bright smile. Absolute beaut. She was the closest any member of the canine family ever got to us. My assumption is that she learned Tamil in our chawl and then put it to good use.

Figure this!

There are more than seven billion human beings on this ever-evolving planet. Out of which, about 40% are Internet users. That translates to 2.8 billion people who have unlimited access to food and water...err..Internet. However, in India, online penetration is as low as 13%. Which means, less than 160 million Indians can afford to spend their time browsing. There are around 1.23 billion humans in India and for every Internet user in the country, there are five in China. A lot of these users are very active on social media. Now, if you break down the global population into Twitter consumption alone, there are more than 500 million active tweeps who are either learning or know how to limit their thoughts to 140 characters or less. 20 million (or so) of them are from India. A majority belongs to the metropolitan areas followed by Tier-2 cities. This section is basically fluent in English and takes as much pride in their selfies as their grammatical errors. It's a commune with no boundaries. And in the grand scheme of things (and ballpark estimations), even if your tweet manages to earn 500 RTs from them, it means nothing in comparison to the aforementioned figures. Regardless of your followers count, your life still sucks.

Sooner or later

The standard of press ain't falling but sooner or later, it will. Sooner or later, morning shall come to your rescue. Sooner or later, silence keeps its word. Every act of lunacy will be sooner or later replaced by a grander act of lunacy. Sooner or later, time wins. Coffee, because everything else, sooner or later, disappoints. Sooner or later, you realize that your superpowers are simply useless.  Perhaps the risk you're unwilling to take today will sooner or later take a risk on you. Sooner or later, everybody realizes that trying to change the world was a terrible idea. Well, opinion is like water that evaporates sooner or later. We are beautiful because sooner or later, we're going to wither away. Sooner or later, life moves on. Sooner or later, everyone falls down (if not asleep). Sooner or later, we'll realize that we were not as fucked up as we presumed. Sooner or later, everyone runs out of good jokes. Never trust a poet with words as he's going to misuse them sooner or later. Whatever shit you're going through, be patient because sooner or later, you'll get used to it. If you’re really growing up, you’ll realize—sooner or later—that it’s impossible to REALLY grow up. The stuff we hold close to our heart is going to hurt us sooner or later; even if it's a non-living thing. If you study others closely, you'll acknowledge sooner or later that you've wasted a significant amount of your existence. Sooner or later, everybody accepts what they really are. And what they are not.

Untying the knot

They say love happens just once in a lifetime. If that is so, then it may take more than a genius to recognize when and how and whom it happened with. Falling in love again and again and again and then again is what eventually wears us out. Let's call it the perks of being confused. But they have their limitations too. You can be wrong. After all, you get many chances. On the other hand, marriage is something that should happen just once in a lifetime. Give it a shot. If it works, well and great. If it doesn't, don't ever walk that wretched aisle again. Simple. Maybe it's not that simple. People get married hoping to give themselves a second chance at life. Create something new...at least on a personal level with somebody you supposedly adore and want to "share the rest of your time with" without a second thought. Well, the idea is noble. The application is quite different. When the veneer of novelty starts fading, that's when reality strikes you. At that point, it's up to you to whether you want to fall in love again or rise in marriage for a change. I'm so glad that George Clooney didn't choose the latter.

Game, set, mismatch

We are living in undeniably atypical times. 

Shutdown and USA are being used in the same sentence for a change. And so are Sachin and retirement. Ditto for Russia and peacemaker. NaMo and secular. IRCTC and fast. Remake and Zanjeer. Malala and Pakistan. Manchester United and Muslim. Photography and Instagram. Gravity and jaw-dropping (no, wait). Nokia and extinct. Mumbai and Metro. Kim Kardashian and motherhood. Obama and warmongering. Asaram Bapu and molestation. Neymar and overrated. Sanjay Dutt and prison. Ship of Theseus and Bollywood. Nitish Kumar and kingmaker. Money and spiritualism. Yoga and industry. The Good Road and The Lunchbox. Facebook and Unlike. Expressions and Deepika. Harbour Line and delays. Literature and Fifty Shades of Grey. Hugh Jackman and Micromax. Science and God particle. Jeff Daniels and Emmy. Passenger and eargasm. Blackfish and white lies. Fashion and Lady Gaga. Arvind Kejriwal and politics. Superheroes and franchise. Assange and hypocrite. Film festivals and endless queues. Vidya Balan and married. Bigg Boss and entertainment. Justin Bieber and trend. Journalism and paid news. Batman and Ben Affleck. Poetry and passé. Twerking and dictionary. LK Advani and alive. Curable and cancer. Rohit Shetty and cinema. Lifestyle and diseases. Carlsen and Chennai. Dengue and Yash Chopra (as well as Ranveer Singh). Parsis and poor. Iran and understanding. Tourism and Kashmir. Pope and selfie. Gen. VK Singh and moron. Buddhists and murderers. Pharma and loss. Rahul Gandhi and responsibility. Neighbour and MILFs. Lungi and dance. Break and Adele. Heartbreak and Robert Pattinson. A-Jolie and malnourished. Terrorism and Nairobi. Kunal Nayyar and Salman Khan. Arnab Goswami and silent. Mars and mineral water. Saviour and Raghuram Rajan. Steven Soderbergh and last film. Beckham and farewell. SRK and sex determination. Murakami and Nobel. Homosexuals and pre-nups. Maggi and nutrition. Federer and decline. Politicians and common sense. Dr. Amartya Sen and mistaken. Breaking Bad and Way too good. East India Company and Indian owner. Anil Kapoor and ads. Twitter and BFFs. Al Jazeera and unbiased. Lionel Messi and tax evasion. Honey and sing. Lalu Prasad Yadav and prison. Court cases and fast track. Arsenal and top. Gareth Bale and slipped disc. Weird and awesome. Nawazuddin and hero. Johnny Depp and England. Natalie Portman and Paris. Emraan Hashmi and versatile. Willing and wayward. Theatre and profits. Radio and comeback. Truth and facts. Nelson Mandela and dead. John Abraham and breakthrough. China and role model. Vella and you.
Indeed. 

Mere pass maa thi

Before i begin my diatribe, let me state this very clear: I'm all for equal rights. In fact, i strongly believe that there should be unequal rights—in favour of women—so as to make up for all those lost centuries of abject injustice. But then, i don't run this planet so the thought will remain just that. However, what won't remain so is the ongoing trend of kids growing up with parents who are barely there. In most cases seen, both the mom as well as the dad are working (read: earning). As a result, they leave their offspring at someone else's care. It's always about money and the so-called good life. So the child is enrolled into various classes that are simply a euphemism for killing time. I'm not being nostalgic here but what's the point in having children when you can't even spend time with him/her? On top of that, most families prefer being nuclear so the conveyor belt that leads to grandparents (of the child, of course) is extended. It doesn't matter whether an adult is dumb or 200 IQ-ed. As long as s/he has time to spare for their immediate descendants, it's all right. The most basic education a child receives is from his/her parents. That is the period when a bond is created that might last a lifetime, if not more. That's when stories are told to curious ears, values are inculcated and images, drawn. Who can possibly replace the protagonists? A nanny? A tutor? It doesn't even make sense. And then one day, when that baby of yours speaks for himself/herself, you're surprised to learn that you played a minor role except for that abominable part where bills had to paid. Not very long ago, women used to take care of the house. Majority still do; at least in our country. I believe there's nothing demeaning about it. If a mother raises her children expeditiously, what's there not to admire? What's sad though is, since most mothers are selfless to their core, their efforts are taken for granted. And that's one of the reasons why womenfolk feel that being restricted to homemaking is a defeat. Furthermore, most men are ungrateful jerks. Some of the urban men who attained fatherhood learned it the hard way that it's not easy being a parent. One of the few positive outcomes of the Paradigm Switch in the unique institution called an Indian family. Whatever be the current scenario, children deserve better. Feminists love to pick up fight saying how kitchen is not a women's prerogative but they are missing the point. Nobody dislikes a good cook. Or an able housewife for that matter. As long as you're good at your job, well and great. For instance, be a doctor as well as an honourable parent. You chose to bring someone into this world. Now wo/man up and take responsibility. In a set up where each member of the family is respected, there shouldn't be any gender-centric ego hassles. What's really happening, as of now, is the newest crop seems lost in trying to get the best of both worlds, especially when neither of them have that always-in-demand extra minutes. The old set up might appear subservient but the kids benefit a lot. At least it ensured children receive what they were entitled to by birth: childhood.

An argument with yourself

People keep asking themselves questions—if they can afford to—with no real answers. WHY ARE WE SO FUCKING SAD? WHY IS HAPPINESS SO EXCLUSIVE? WHY DOES AN ORGASM HAVE TO BE OVER-RATED AND YET SHORT-LIVED? Even a silly laughter lasts longer for truth's sake! The answer to the above queries—like most stuff that bothers us—lies inside. We are inherently selfish. And it doesn't take molecular physics to figure out how this happened. Industrial Revolution is not the culprit here because we've always been miserable. So blaming it on an event that kickstarted a few centuries ago would be misguided. What won't be, though, is the present generation's tendency to sit on padded chairs and pass judgments at will. Building castles in air is out of fashion hence nowadays we build opinions instead. The worst part is we like them to spread to every nook and corner of this planet. A little bit of effort with genuine displacement and force won't hurt. 

OK, Internet has to be the most contagious remnant of modernity but it's still not the reason behind our misery. Perhaps our bouts of sadness emanate from our digital loneliness. This remarkable sense of being someone and doing something (that doesn't translate to actual work) in our career are just few of the several symptoms attached to our current state of lostness. For instance, we seldom make eye contacts as we let our hands dance so that the person in front of us stays distracted and doesn't detect our lies. Even on the personal end, we are no different. We don't keep in touch with our old friends even  though we continue to seek newer ones on virtual platforms. The fact remains that we don't feel for anybody except ourselves. This world could do far better given the knowledge it has accumulated over the eras. It's like we know every freaking thing except how to live. If the whole idea behind existing is to be happy, then it can only take place when there's a willingness to share it. It could be anything with anyone. If nothing lasts forever, why should the rules be any different for sadness? Besides, happiness comes in all sizes.

NB: I have a problem with everything i̶n̶c̶l̶u̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶. As i'm growing older, the realisation of time being finite is disturbing. Of course, there's always something called choice which is generally followed by a heavy dose of pain and then later hopefully, delight. But you can neither have everything nor live with nothing. There has to be a balance somewhere in the middle. Once that is located, the distinction between knowledge and wisdom shall be established.

The unhappening

My life is so fucking brilliant that i've got nothing to write on.

( If only the first part of the above sentence was as true as the second.) 

Remember us?

Remember the time when nursery rhymed?
Remember the wind when our curtains chimed?
Remember the beauty that you once defined?
Remember those lies—like yours and mine?
Remember the reason why you were left behind?
Remember the place that we couldn't find?
Remember the past carpet-bombed by time?
Remember those moments that were too sublime?
Remember the envy that our friends couldn't hide?
Remember the shine in my eyes and the warmth in your smile?
Remember the passion we learned to remind?
Remember those days...seven, eight or was it nine?
Remember the doubt that wouldn't bide?
Remember the corner where you cried?
Remember the relief when we got denied?
Remember those words that traveled far and wide?

Uncommon courage

Some years ago, there was this superb ad running on TV about a guy for whom even a local train bothers to slow down. As he gets into the compartment, his co-commuters share an idea why the aforementioned miracle happened. Turns out the young man had done something remarkable just the day before. Apparently, a group of loafers were harassing a girl in the train and our hero decided to stand up. He didn't wait for others to take an initiative. "Yeh bhaisaab akele hi bidh gaye," adds a bespectacled elder in the video. The details of his actions weren't conveyed but the message was clear: he did a brave job in a city and an era that strictly follows the tujhe kya policy.

PS: I've been trying to find that bravery award commercial on YouTube but to no avail. Also the year when it came out on air, i was in Nashik and had done something similar with a different result. I ended up with bruises and the damsel was still in distress.

When jokes kill

Once upon a time, there was this one monkey left in a jungle. Raised by nature, he fell under the impression that he was too smart. Because of this misconception, he started playing pranks on whoever he could lay his eyes and words on. Sometimes, he was funny and sometimes, nasty. To his good luck, nobody seemed to mind his antics. Everybody waived the impact of his outrageous behavior. So the monkey ended up spending his time either feeding himself or fending for new victims for his practical jokes. One day, he came across a lazy elephant who was already struggling with weight issues. Out of attitudinal compulsion, the monkey blurted out some mean sentences. The frustrated pachyderm didn't take any of the nonsense kindly and pulled down the branch on which Mr. Tail was perched. The violent shock was too much to bear while getting crushed under a wooden being was bit of an unpleasant surprise.     

Moral of the story: Luck sucks especially when you're idiotic as well as endangered.

Medical ahemergency

For almost a month now, i've been waking up with a severe pain in my back. The funny part is it gets better moments after i get up and stretch myself. I've heard of biological clock but this must be a biological alarm that doesn't want me to sleep after sunrise. After the usual morning rituals that includes feeling bad for myself thanks to my failing health and telling mother that she deserves a maid—if not a daughter-in-law—i reach workplace only to station myself into a god-forbidden chair whose sole purpose in life is to make sure its adherent end up with sedentary diseases. By afternoon, the pain miraculously shifts to my front. It's definitely not stomach—some inches above it actually on either side. Must be the liver and whatever that is on its opposite end. Again, i remedy myself by taking a walk. Boom! The discomfort is gone. One of the lessons life teaches us is to amble without purpose as often as possible. Some learn it early. Some by the time they're retiring or retired enough to spend quality time in the local park. Coming back to somebody who is neither retired yet nor has a promising career, i feel a sharp tinge in my head as the evening approaches night with an offer it can't refuse. It's not headache for certain. Definitely not migraine. It's more of a sensation. Like electricity running in your optical veins. Damn, it's annoying though! It reminds me of that hernia which i got operated several years ago. However, the solution is simpler this time around: i look out of the window before going back to watching movies/sitcoms/series and sleep with the PC eventually slipping into standby mood. With the 24/7 downloading on as usual. Fortunately enough, the backache politely waits for the night to end.

A for Assholes

Homo Erectus > Neanderthal Man > Cro-Magnon Man > Homo Sapiens > Assholes

After reading the above deduction, you might be wondering whether you're an asshole. If you are, chances are you aren't. Doing what makes you happy doesn't make you selfish. However, if you overdo that, it makes you an asshole. As simple as that. Our whole planet is full of people who hurt others through action, words, intent or accident. Some of them do have reasons. Some of them don't. But it's OK. That's how nature works. Even democracy is three out of five guys concluding that the remaining two are assholes. Anyway, the latter shall inherit the earth. Fuck meeks! You see, the benefit of being an asshole is you can be yourself. There's nothing to hide behind. And it's never too late to be what you are. The advantage of being an asshole is you can always do worse. Sadly, the sophisticated assholes are replacing the original ones. Those who don't know the difference between the two are doomed to deal with the former.